So, as I sit here for what seems like my billionth consecutive night couped up in the house, I can't help reflect. Well, it's late for me on a Friday night, and I've been watching the OWN network... oh, and just for the record, I'm completely sober. Although I'm completely contented and there's nowhere else I'd rather be, I can't help but sit here and be thankful for the many years I've had where I have just been completely stupid and carefree. My worries were few. My responsibilities were minimal. Life was simple. I wouldn't say I was happier then though, I wasn't. I was craving structure, craving a family, a home, someone to take care of and someone to always have my back. I have that now, and although it's harder work than I've ever done -- I'm completely contented sitting here at home with my family.
Earlier tonight, Andi Bean was crying. She was uncomfortable and pushing away the pacie. Next thing I usually try is to vent the g-tube, thinking maybe she has a ball of air in her tummy giving her grief. When that didn't work, I was trying to 'doctor' the g-tube -- which means to dry it, powder it, coat it with the special lotion and somehow squeeze a split 2x2 gauze between the button and her skin. That's very difficult to do when she's pitching a fit because she's basically tightening her stomach and leaving very little room to get the gauze under the button. Plus, she's usually kicking me, flailing about, and sometimes swinging at me. Usually, when a baby cries the Mom instinctively knows to pick the baby up, and often times - that settles the baby. With me, our situation is so different, that I'm usually trying different fixes before I even consider to pick up the Bean. Tonight was a perfect example of that. I tried my checklist of usual fixes, and then when none of them worked, I picked up the Bean and she settled right down. It reminded me that although our situation is different, the Bean is still a baby - and maybe I should try treating her as such, instead of always trying to 'doctor' her like I do.
Life lessons on a Friday night. Be stupid and carefree when you can, and love with your heart -- not always your mind. How deep. Yes, maybe a little less Oprah and a little more time out of the house. Well, just as soon as I feel better!!!