Venting The Heart

My mood is such that this post might be a bit of a downer.  I really try to keep things positive, because, really ... we have so much to celebrate.  However, some days are hard and there aren't many outlets to share those emotions.  Yesterday, we met our OT at the baby play gym time at the community center down the street.  The gym is full of padded mats, padded blocks, plastic toys, balls galore, plastic bikes, trampolines, it's all decked out.  There were many babies there sitting, crawling, standing, walking with help.  It was amazing to see what all these kids were doing, all of them much younger than Andi. Andi hasn't been around many kids, so it was a lot of fun for her to roll up over to some kids and try to touch them.  She was really intrigued by the others, and was rather engaged.  She insisted on being on her back, because for her, that's home base.  That's where she's most comfortable.  She'd try to touch their noses, or reach out to them. It was rather cute.  She did really good and we had a really great workout. We tried a variety of toys and objects, and her OT thought it would be a good place to challenge and advance her, in addition to working on socializing.  My thought was that because she likes to mimic so much, it would likely benefit her to see what other kids are doing, sitting, crawling, walking, as she's likely to learn quicker from watching others.  But, honestly, for me, it was really hard to see how far behind she is.  I know it won't always be like that, but I also don't always have my suit of armor on, to protect my heart from seeing, feeling and worrying.  It's hard sometimes. 

I allow myself to pause for a moment, have a good cry, and then go back to charging forward - upward and onward.  In that moment, I get to let go of my hurt for her, how hard she has had it.  I let go of my wonder of what I did wrong, or why she has these obstacles to overcome.  I purge the anger, the sadness, the worry, frustration over puking or non-stop issues, the pent up emotions.  In that moment, I have to get rid of as much of it as I can, so it allows me to be more engaged, more connected, more present in the most important thing in my life - Andi.  She's come so far, but, every once in awhile I have to admit and grieve for how behind she is...  I feel guilty admitting that, but, like I said, once I let it go, I can charge onward, and work to getting her stronger.  Kids are resilient, adults aren't.  Well, sometimes, but not always.  Therefore, like venting air out of her stomach, sometimes I have to vent my heart and its pent up emotions.